A recent personal embarrassment reminded me that, coincidentally, several of my clients and I have been working on overcoming moments of embarrassment this summer. Some clients struggle with the cultural aspect of “face” and feeling embarrassed when they think others would secretly judge themselves or their partners for not being able to articulate a good-enough response to personal questions about marriage and kids. It has helped to identify which cultural values they endorse that have contributed to this perception of embarrassment when logically they know that they do not need to feel this way. Some clients still feel pangs of regret and embarrassment after making a mistake that have inconvenienced others, even after they are told that “it was no big deal.” In these cases, walking them through the painful moment again in a narrative approach can work wonders through unleashing the intense feelings that keep returning. Of course, there were also a few incredulous clients who believe that they can never overcome their embarrassment and will forever live in shame and guilt for having said or done the wrong thing at the wrong time. For these clients, providing them with evocative empathy and unconditional positive regard can help make them feel supported and understood before changes can be made. Whatever the client’s present ailment, one thing that I personally see has been helpful is to share some horrendous moments of my own, especially when asked by some of my LT- or the bolder clients who would challenge me with, “Have you ever felt like that?” To which I would confidently answer, “of course, I’ve tales that will hopefully eclipse yours. Take your pick!” So, here goes!
- The fatal faux-pas in my student mode
- Aside from having sending an unchecked email to an unlucky Queen’s University professor with, “Hi, I’m a psychotic [sic] student from XXX’s lab,” my personal favorite horror story was the time when I was attending a weekend training. During those two days I was trying to set boundaries with a kid who kept texting me desperately in the middle of the night after their parents tried to push them to return to school. Dealing with the situation meant that I was basically running on fumes when I had to also wake up at 6 am to attend the 7:30 am workshop that lasted ALL DAY LONG and then attend evening sessions in person right after. Coffee became both my savior and my bane as a few sips of it would jolt me up for only a short period before quickly causing my brain to short circuit and I start spewing up nonsense. On that fateful Sunday intermission when I was trying to stuff my mouth with complimentary yogurt and fruits, I was catching up with an old senior colleague whom I admire greatly for his skills in couple’s therapy. We were talking about his book and he casually mentioned that he had divorced before marrying his current wife. Being the mindless zombie that I was, I blurted out, “oh, that’s ironic.” It was the single most self-hating moment I could remember for years to come as I held this person in such great esteem and truly did not think of the event as anything more than an experience he had. I apologized profusely and felt my whole body burning up with a sickening mixture of remorse and, of course, embarrassment. I later emailed him to apologize again, to which he responded graciously and told me that he still considered me in great regard, even “intelligent.” I imagined myself as an apologetic anime character prostrating in front of his feet in tears when I saw the reply //>.<//
- Blacking out and slipping in front of a client
- I was doing EMDR alternating between shoulder- and knee-tapping this client with trypanophobia and hemophobia. As I was walking to resume knee-tapping, my eyes suddenly went dark, possibly due to a syncope, and I tripped and fell on my knees in front of this person. Fortunately, the Gods must have smiled on me that day and they had their eyes closed while I fell on soft carpet that (hopefully!) muffled the sound. I ignored the pain until I finished the session and limped back to my chair with a tear in my eye that I keep telling myself to this day that they either did not notice or at least attributed it to my dedication to helping them overcome the phobia 😛
- Texting/Calling/Emailing the wrong client
- My most common offense. Many of my clients have similar names or initials. For confidentiality purposes I also never put personal details on my calendar either so there were times when I would mistakenly contact the wrong person thinking that they were the person who just emailed or texted me. This mistake is most often committed during or after a fast-paced, chaotic long day that leaves me with very little time to do anything other than wrapping up sessions while trying to finish notes, do admin, respond to texts/emails/calls in between “breaks.” 99 percent of the time it is not a big deal; however, this one time I not only mistook a new client dealing with trauma for another but also one who was struggling with intense suicidal ideations and, after not seeing or hearing from her for the session after 10 minutes, thought the worst (jumping to conclusions!). I usually only email and text clients when I see that they’re running late or forgot about the appointment but as I was fearing for her safety I also called her twice in succession and left concerned VMs while refreshing my email and phone constantly. My only saving grace to this spamming behavior was that I did not violate confidentiality as I did not use their name nor mention any details and only expressed concerns about their safety while urging them to respond. After 30 minutes she emailed me back saying that she never scheduled a session at that time as she had class, which confused me tremendously. I checked my notes and schedule, which did confirm this person as booked in after saying that they would let me know if they could not make it (despite my misreading the initials on my calendar that led me to mistake her to be another person). Nevertheless, the damage had been done. I replied in a sincere apology later after the day was done, but understandably never heard back 🙁
In order of the greatest possibility to the least, I’m sure I’ll continue to have more of the third moments as a therapist (just not to the extent of the specific incident I described), then second next, and hopefully none of the first ever again. In the end I learned from all of them, especially the first one about self-care and boundaries as a newbie student-therapist as it did help me engage in intense self-reflection and growth. Equally as importantly, some of these embarrassing moments made great stories to disclose judiciously in sessions to help the clients feel that I could relate to them and am not just someone who tries to give them false reassurance from a pedestal. To work with someone who unabashedly have just shared what makes her human, feel free to reach her on this page!