I see quite a few couples in my practice. From those who come seeking premarital counselling to those whose relationships have become shaken by distress bombs such as infidelity, children, finances, illnesses, or other stressors. Couples I can see having strong bonds share healthy characteristics in their communication patterns and passionate love for each other; on the other hand, those with relationships have become corrupted also share similar traits of dysfunctional interactive and behavioural patterns.
Gottman and colleagues (1992) introduced to the world four dysfunctional communicative styles that later became known as “the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” First is criticism, which may turn into defensiveness that leads to contempt and, finally, stonewalling (Horan et al., 2015).
Criticism involves statements of complaints that target the defect in the partner, such as “He’s so selfish all the time!”
Defensiveness entails a pattern of self-protection that gives a sense of righteous indignation or victimization, such as “It’s not my fault that she made me so angry.”
Contempt describes comments made from a position of superiority, such as “Don’t you know anything? Why do I have to teach you everything?”
Stonewalling is the pattern in which one partner withdraws from the interaction and stops responding.
Although all four conflict patterns can foretell relational trajectories, contempt is particularly noteworthy for its ability to predict relationship dissolution.
It is unlikely to see these conflict patterns develop only after marriage. More likely is the possibility that there were emerging behaviours during courtship that were maintained and/or exacerbated after the official union. Studies also suggest that the Four Horsemen were more likely to be observed in couples with a fear of rejection and/or abandonment (Hooper et al., 2017). When most, if not all, of the Horsemen manifest in a relationship, emotional flooding between both partners ensue to create intense reactions to each other’s negative behaviours and communication styles.
In my practice, whenever I see couples engaging in these unhealthy patterns, their behaviours seem to scream out how hopeless they feel towards each other. There is no main point to their conflicts and arguments; often times, to unknowing onlookers, their fights can sound like drivels over inane topics ranging from the time to start dinner to who should take out the garbage. It often becomes a classic he-said-she-said case in which there is no fair or “best” outcome. Underneath all the conflicts is an intense dislike towards each other that has accumulated over the months and years of being together. The love, if still there, does look hidden and obscured by the layers and layers of mossy slime that is the annoyance and disdain on the surface. To uncover the passion and, most importantly, the compassion one person has for their partner, a couple’s dialogue that seeks to create, build, and enhance dyadic empathy is key.
To connect with each other again, couple’s therapy usually relies on communication techniques that facilitate the partners to hear and differentiate each other. Being heard and understood by your partner can truly liberate a person from the dark world one feels chained to at times in the relationship. However, the process to achieve the re-imaging of one’s relationship and partner as an ally rather than an enemy can be difficult. As one of my clients says after given the homework to call their partner by their name, “sounds simply enough, but doing it is really hard [because I just don’t like them].” Indeed, there are no complex techniques that require any of the participants to have any special skills or talents. All it requires is a sincere motivation to understand one’s partner and to increase the positive feelings while reducing negative ones, which is the challenging part that for which a supportive therapist can help.
For support and guidance on how to create or regain a healthy couple’s dialogue, feel free to reach out!
References
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Martial processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63, 221–233. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022–3514.63.2.221
Hooper, A., Spann, C., McCay, T., & Kimberley, C. (2017). Revisiting the basics: Understanding potential demographic differences With John Gottman’s four horsemen and emotional flooding. The Family Journal, 25(3), 224–229. https://doi.org/10.1177/1066480717710650
Horan, S.M., Guinn, T.D., & Banghart, S. (2015). Understanding the relationships among the dark triad personality profile and romantic partners’ conflict communication. Communication Quarterly, 63(2), 156-170. https://doi.org/10.1080/01463373.2015.1012220